At Tuxedo and Tails Formalwear we believe that formal dress is a language, and that cats are fluent in it, despite having no pockets. Our founder, Sir Reginald Fluffington the Third, wrote the rules below on the back of a menu. We have cleaned them up slightly.
Rule one: Black is a colour
A cat in a black tuxedo is a cat who understands restraint. A cat who also happens to be black is a cat who understands that you cannot see where the tuxedo ends. This is considered an advantage, and also a problem for the tailor.
Rule two: The bow tie sits at the throat
Not the ear, not the tail, and not, as one client attempted, the back leg. A bow tie that has slipped to the back leg is not a bow tie. It is a brooch with ambitions.
Rule three: Shed outside
Please brush before entering the venue. Our lint roller service is available at the door, though a roller suited to a cat takes about four hours to complete the job. We recommend arriving the previous day.
Rule four: Do not sit on the host
Under no circumstances should a guest sit on the host unless invited. If invited, accept graciously, spread across the lap and begin to purr at a tasteful volume.
Rule five: Dance only when moved
Cats at formal events often feel pressure to dance. Our advice is to sit near the dance floor and observe, tapping the tail in time. If you must take part, do so in a series of small, controlled lunges.
Rule six: Eat with dignity
Dinner is a delicate occasion. Take a small portion. Chew it. Do not carry it under the table to eat privately. Do not push it off the edge of the plate to see what it sounds like.
Rule seven: Leave before the fur does
Every formal event ends in a haze of hair. The wise guest leaves slightly before the end, before the other guests start to notice, and before the host begins brushing the chairs.
Summary
Formalwear is not about clothes. It is about carrying yourself as though you are wearing clothes, even when the clothes are lying on the floor. If you can do that, you have mastered black tie.
Tuxedo and Tails Formalwear is a fictional business. No clothes are actually sold, and the lint roller has never been seen to finish a job.