There is no shortage of advice on how to dress for a ball, a wedding or a state dinner. There is far too little advice on how to dress for the vet. This is an unforgivable gap in the literature, and our team at Tuxedo and Tails has taken it upon itself to fill it.
Why dress up at all
The vet’s waiting room is a place of high tension. Everyone is nervous. Everyone is wearing fur. A well dressed cat commands respect, projects control, and gives the impression of having come for a social visit rather than an examination.
The right outfit
We recommend a dark waistcoat and a small bow tie, preferably in a colour that suggests calm. Navy works well. Burgundy suggests drama, which may be an advantage if you are hoping to be seen first. Yellow suggests fear, and we strongly discourage it.
Arriving
Enter the waiting room with your head high. Do not look at the dogs. Pretend they are decorations. If one barks, give it a long, slow blink to show that you are not afraid, and then be afraid in private.
While you wait
Sit upright. Cross your front paws. Examine the poster on the wall as though it were a work of art. Do not groom. Do not yawn. Above all, do not sneeze, as a sneeze at the vet is considered the opening of a negotiation.
Meeting the vet
When called, stand and walk slowly to the door. Turn once to nod at the waiting room. This will be remembered. Enter the examination room and take your seat on the table with the poise of a person arriving at a board meeting.
During the examination
Maintain composure. If the thermometer is mentioned, remain still. If the thermometer is produced, remain still in a different way. If the thermometer is used, we cannot help you. We can only suggest that you have chosen the right trousers.
Afterwards
Walk to the car slowly. Do not run. Do not hiss. Allow your human to open the door. Once inside, remove the bow tie and sit on it.
Closing thoughts
Dressing well will not change the outcome, but it will change how you feel about it. And in matters of the vet, how you feel is the only thing you can control.
Tuxedo and Tails Formalwear is a fictional business, and this guide is a parody. For real health concerns, consult a real vet, whatever you are wearing.