Gala season is almost upon us, and the prudent cat prepares early. This planner has been developed by our team and tested on the staff, many of whom are now unrecognisable.
Eight weeks to go
Book your invitation. Decide whether you are attending as a guest or as an unannounced visitor. Both are accepted, though the second requires a better coat.
Seven weeks to go
Choose your tuxedo. Visit the shop. Try on three options. Walk away. Return and buy the second.
Six weeks to go
This is the dangerous week. You will be tempted to eat well. Do not. A tuxedo that fitted in week seven must still fit in week one. Avoid bread, avoid cheese, avoid cream, avoid the sunny spot by the fish counter. If you cannot avoid them, avoid telling anyone.
Five weeks to go
Practise your entrance. Walk slowly through a doorway. Pause. Look left and right. Continue. Repeat until you can do this without checking whether anyone is looking. Everyone is looking.
Four weeks to go
Order your accessories. We recommend a bow tie, a pocket square and a tiny tie pin in the shape of a fish.
Three weeks to go
Begin your grooming programme. Brush for ten minutes a day. Brush for twenty if you are a long haired cat. Brush for the whole afternoon if you are a Persian, and accept that you will remain a cloud.
Two weeks to go
Practise conversation. Rehearse phrases such as “How lovely,” “Absolutely,” and “I believe I will have the salmon.” Avoid “I wonder if this chair is free,” as it is never free and will not be.
One week to go
Collect your tuxedo. Hang it up. Look at it. Do not put it on. Do not sit near it. Do not allow another cat to sleep on it.
The day itself
Wake early. Wash thoroughly. Dress. Check yourself in the mirror three times and then step outside. Within ninety seconds a leaf will have attached itself to your tail. Remove it with dignity.
Final thought
A gala is a celebration of elegance, and you are the elegance. If it all goes wrong, you can always hide beneath the buffet table and watch the shoes.
Tuxedo and Tails Formalwear is a fictional business, and this planner has not been tested on real events or real fish.